How Do I Stop Fighting With My Partner?: 5 Tips for Better Communication for the High-Conflict Couple.

Partner A: “Why can’t you just wash the dishes after you use them?! I’ve told you so many times and I’m so tired of having this conversation with you. You are such a SLOB! I’m not your mother - pick up after yourself!!!”

Partner B: “You’re making such a big deal out of this!! Maybe if you weren’t so anxious about every little thing, we’d stop having this argument. Why don’t you calm down about the stupid dishes? I just haven’t gotten to them yet!”

Oof… 

We know how this ends: doors slam, insults are hurled, or the argument drags on for hours until exhaustion sets in. One partner may seek resolution while the other needs space, or the 'silent treatment' creates a tense atmosphere until it's broken. Whether it's dishes in the sink or something else that sets the fight off, it leaves you both feeling unheard, defensive, and confused. At worst, it makes you question your choice of partner and the relationship's viability.

Ideally, the two of you can sit down, make some agreements, and come to a solution about these fights that seem to repeat themselves. However, it’s really difficult to do that when we’re activated or triggered. I tell my clients that trying to solve an argument when we’re out of the window of tolerance, or when we’re dysregulated, is like driving drunk. You’re a lot more likely to crash. So the focus of this blog is conflict resolution and how to stop an argument in its tracks when one or both partners are in their fight/flight mode. 

These tips can be very useful, and it's crucial to remember that change doesn't happen overnight. This is a practice, and as humans, we will make mistakes. We're not striving for perfection here; we're focusing on gradual progress. Also, it can be beneficial if partners adopt an attitude of being fully committed rather than threatening to leave the relationship. While I believe it's normal to have such thoughts when we are angry, expressing them can make it hard for the partner hearing them to feel secure enough to try and resolve issues. Like, what's the point if you're going to leave? 

OK, How do we go about fixing this? 

1. Awareness. Notice and Name.

   Arguably, the most important step. Become curious about the different states or moods you go through when you’re out of your window of tolerance and when you’re in your window of tolerance. What are the clues that you are becoming dysregulated? The body can oftentimes give us these clues. For me, when I’m angry, my body becomes hot and my cheeks get flush. My throat starts to get tight and my speech becomes more rapid and, like clock-work, more cursing happens. I start thinking about all my really great come-backs and why I’m right and you’re wrong. I start to get mean and I go more into fight mode. My body and mind are priming me for a battle that might not even be there (thanks evolution!). Others might sense the body's urge to withdraw. Maybe they start to hunch over and feel really small. They might want to just leave the situation immediately. This is more of a flight response and people who experience this can also be prone to dissociation. Our body is talking to us all the time! By consciously paying attention to this in our everyday lives, especially when we're less prone to arguing with coworkers or friends, we increase our ability to recognize and handle the trigger within our relationship. 

   
   

   Notice thoughts that become extreme or are part of a repetitive pattern. Do you start to feel very urgent about the matter? Or maybe you get into that belief that your partner is actually a monster or selfish or inconsiderate. Couples therapist, Terry Real, talks about a ‘core negative image’ that we develop of our partners when we’re activated. When we’re activated, the prefrontal cortex is turned off and we lose our ability to reason and have impulse control. When this happens, we are more prone to believing this distorted view of our partner. Don’t let your mind trick you! There IS a part of you that knows that this is not all of what makes up your partner’s personality (even if it’s a teeny tiny part).

   
   

   Stan Tatkin, the creator of PACT (Psychobiological Approach to Couple Therapy), also presents evidence that frequent arguments in our relationships reinforce the neural pathways in our brains that perceive our partner as a threat. So, when we try to change how we behave in an argument with our partner, we are creating new neural pathways - you know, NO BIGGIE.  

   
   
   
   
   

   Name it.  When you are feeling triggered, it’s important to tell yourself things like, I’m triggered. I’m feeling defensive. I’m thinking really negative things about my partner right now. I know this intense feeling will pass. You can even name it out loud to your partner. Using “I” statements can help with this. There is a difference between, You’re so insufferable that you’re making me feel defensive, and, I’m feeling defensive. I don’t think this is a good time to talk. Rule of thumb: All thoughts and feelings are valid, and some can be harmful to the relationship if spoken out loud.

Which brings me to my next point… 

2. Normalize time-outs when you argue. Now, I’m not advocating for avoiding the argument, I’m advocating for civil, non-violent communication. We need to get regulated before we continue a conversation or we will... What was it?... CRASH. So asking for space makes sense if you need it. The only caveat here is that you also need to name when you will be back to discuss the topic at hand with your partner. The Gottmans', Terry Real, and Stan Tatkin (PACT), all agree that this part is crucial to de-escalation and keeps your partner feeling secure enough during a conflict to avoid inflaming the situation. It lets them know we are not abandoning them, or the conflict. This can sound as simple as, I’m feeling dysregulated. I need 20 minutes to cool down. I’ll come get you then. Or, My heart feels like it’s going to pump out of my chest! I need a break! I’ll be back in an hour. Rule of thumb: Try to come back within 20-30 minutes, no longer than 24 hours, and be the one to restart the conversation if you are the one that paused it. 

   
   

3. Regulate, Baby! Yes, time to self-soothe. How? Well, that depends on what your nervous system does when you’re triggered. For fight mode, maybe we need to take some deep breaths or do some box breathing to readjust. Breathing is the quickest way to regulate and it is always available to us. Engaging in gentle yoga can also help with grounding.

   If you tend to flee or freeze when in conflict, it might be helpful to move the body to bring yourself back online. Jumping jacks, a walk around the block, a quick HIIT workout - all can help give the body more life and bring us back from retreating from conflict. Self-soothing can look like speaking kindly and compassionately to ourselves (it’s OK that I’m having these difficult feelings right now), or setting up a quick guided meditation that addresses what we're going through. I like these free resources from Dr. Kristen Neff and Insight Timer. Rule of thumb: The best way to regulate is what works for you. I know when I’m regulated because I am open to hearing my partner’s perspective.

4. Identify your feelings.

   Simple, right? Believe it or not, this is very difficult for many, many people - myself included. It is not a habit most are in the practice of doing. Naming a feeling is helpful because it will allow our partner to understand us more and it fosters empathy. It is vulnerable to name our feelings and this is what is necessary to work through conflict. And although I appreciate and value the emotion of anger, it’s often just the tip of the iceberg. It’s much more impactful and vulnerable to say, When you told me I should change outfits, I felt really embarrassed and rejected, rather than, You made me angry when you criticize my outfits. If you’re having trouble coming up with actual feelings, you’re not alone. Here’s a really helpful feelings wheel to get you started. Rule of thumb: If you say, “I feel like…” it is usually not going to be an emotion you name, it will mostly likely be a statement about your partner. The “like” sets us up for miscommunication.

5.  Come back to your partner. Ask for what you need. 

   Come back to your partner when you’re feeling less activated and notice what it’s like when you’re in ‘homeostasis’. For me, my neck is less tense, I’m more open to my partner’s perspective, and I can feel the more vulnerable emotions under the initial anger like ‘hurt’ or ‘overwhelmed’ or ‘lonely’. Here’s a script you can use to gently bring back the topic at hand:

   When ________ happened, I felt _________. In the future, I’d like to request __________. 

   It’s super important here that your partner reflects and empathizes - don’t jump in with “BUT I only did that because…” or “Yea but I was really hurt too!”. There will be time for this. It’s just not now. We cannot address both people at the same time. Mirror. Reflect. Understand. Be curious. Take turns. Work like a team. 

I can hear the “but's” as I write this… 

BUT,

• What if I don’t agree with my partner’s perspective? 

• What if I’m not sorry? 

• What if I can’t regulate? 

• What if this doesn't work?!

Very good questions, dear reader. There is more to address than this blog post will allow. Reach out for a free 15 minute consultation, let’s figure this out together. 

Did I miss something? Are you curious to learn more about conflict resolution and healthy communication with your partner? Check out my website to find out more.