My Partner Cheated... Now What?

I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy. The gut punch, the whiplash, the incessant pain of betrayal and trust broken. If you’ve been on the receiving end of a partner who’s cheated, you know this is no small thing to get over. It can be life shattering. One can experience anything from dissociation to flashbacks, physical ailments, and insomnia. You may not know if you even want to try and stay together and it may take some time to decide if this relationship is actually worth fighting for. 

Although painful, betrayal and infidelity can also be seen as a way to pull apart, dissect, and restructure the bones of a relationship. It can create an opportunity to make the implicit expectations and assumptions explicit, redrawing the contract of partnership in a way that benefits both partners. To get to that place… takes effort to say the least. If you’re curious on where to even begin with such a conversation, keep reading. 

In this post, we’ll define what qualifies as betrayal and/or infidelity, outline some of the steps for both the hurt partner and involved partner to consider, and provide some tips on how to get started. 

What Does "Cheating" Mean? Is it Different from Betrayal or Infidelity, and Why Does it Matter?

It’s important to define these terms because everyone has a different idea of ‘what counts’ and what warrants an apology - or not. Often, the involved partners are surprised to hear from me that there are other ways of betraying your partner besides having sex with someone outside the partnership. Having a conversation with your partner about what constitutes cheating in your relationship, and coming up with some agreements is the best way to gain clarity on this.

I consider betrayal a broken agreement between partners and/or when the involved partner feels they need to hide something. This could be a text to an ex, talking poorly about your partner to others, or something like forgetting to pick up your partner after work more than once. It breaks trust and is corrosive to the bond between humans. This frequently occurs when one partner fears that expressing their wishes, desires, or boundaries might upset their significant other. This points to lack of trust and vulnerability in the relationship and we don't trust our partner with vulnerable things, it can lead to partners to be more secretive of their wants. 

And of course, there is infidelity, which I define as secretive intimacy -sexual or emotional- with a person outside of the agreed upon parameters of your relationship. There are many reasons that can lead to infidelity. This post is not about that, but a great book to pick up and read about that would be Esther Perel's book, The State of Affairs. 

Where to Start

• The first thing the hurt partner wants to know is, WHY? 

Of course they do… and, involved partner (I'm looking at you), the words “I don’t know” better not come out of your mouth. If you want your partner back, it’s time to do some soul searching and figure out what it was that made you think you could get away with betraying your mate. You have to expect to be in the hot seat for this and it would behoove you to refrain from blaming your partner at this time. Although there may be reasons in the relationship that pushed you to this outcome, the fact is, no one made you do this. Take some responsibility and show your partner you can be held accountable in this way. 

• The involved partner has lost rights to privacy. 

It may seem harsh, but it is a necessary step for some couples to have the involved partner hand over their passwords to all the things. I don’t recommend this as a long-term solution, I mean, do you really want to live your life being in surveillance of your partner forever? Probably not. I think living that way can be really stressful, but it can provide initial relief when the hurt partner’s nervous system is in overdrive and hyper-vigilant, waiting for the other shoe to drop.

• Create safety.

This step is soooooo important. Your hurt partner needs to feel in their bones that they can trust you again. This takes time and patience from both partners. How do we create safety? Well, in the beginning, when your partner has some nightmares that wake them up in the middle of the night, or they start crying in the middle of dinner - for goodness sake, don’t shame them! Do not defend yourself! Stand down! This is a normal response to trauma, and I do think those who experience betrayal and infidelity are in a state of post traumatic stress. Some might need medications to get through this time and keep functioning in society. NO SHAME. Instead, see if you can show up and comfort them. Be the punching bag and be the soft warm blanket. When you break trust, you cause pain, there is no getting around that one. Try apologizing for what you’ve put your partner through when they inevitably become angry with you in daily life. They are having an emotional flashback and are remembering that the relationship they thought they had is now gone, replaced with a new hellish reality. As couple therapist Terry Real says- as the involved partner, you are the angel and the devil here. You caused this, but you can also be the one who fixes it.  

When enough safety has been experienced over time in a myriad of different ways, I’ve often seen a natural curiosity emerge from the hurt partner beyond the initial pain of “how could you?”, to “what in our relationship wasn’t working?”. THIS is where we can have a deeper conversation around the relationship dynamics. It takes time and patience to get here, but it is so worth it for the couples that can manage the initial phases. 

Tips and Reminders for Dealing with Infidelity

• If there are any other indiscretions to name, I recommend... OUT WITH IT. It will come out sooner or later, better that it comes from you sooner. This is the new chapter, remember? We’re aiming for vulnerability and openness this time, even if the truth hurts. 

  
  

• Get therapy. Get therapy, get therapy. I would never recommend any person or any couple go through this kind of repair alone. Support is necessary here. 

• Time and patience. Trust the process. An answer will emerge.

Get In Touch 

Are you looking to sort through a betrayal or infidelity in your partnership? Contact me today to see if we might be a good match for therapy. In person sessions in Sebastopol, CA and serving all of California through telehealth. I can't wait to hear from you.